the village buzz

although this list of advice probably flies in the advice of alot of folks, and a good deal of it is illegal, it’s real, and it works for me. This advice is for riding a motorbike across our great country with the following stipulations: * speed and distance - although i would LOVE to do a slow trip across the country, i had to do my trip in three days. this is a VERY short amount of time. + no passenger - i didn’t ride a passenger. if i did, i would have made it alot more safe, slow, and comfortable.

if this sounds like something you can swing, read on.

comfort: you are going to be riding a very long distance. comfort is key. here are some things you can do to help out.

• baby powder - take a bottle of baby powder. you will thank me, your nuts (or however you are so equipped) and butt will thank me. use only a little bit, or you will end up with a gritty paste down your underpants.

• ride a comfy bike - make sure your seat height is adjusted properly. do a few test runs before the big ride to find where you are comfortable on long distances. make sure your seat is comfy. check that you know where all your controls are.

• get a “throttlemesiter”:http://www.throttlemeister.com/ - this is a doodad that keeps your throttle open without twisting it. it’s not quite cruise control, because you will have to adjust it from time to time to keep from going to fast or slow (as the terrain changes). make sure you watch it going downhill. speed creeps up super quick. this thing also allows you to stretch your throttle hand.

• stay with family - if you can find family to stay with on your trip, so much the better. it’s the perfect excuse for seeing people you don’t see much. you will rest better, and you will get some welcome company.

Health: health is pretty easy to forget about, but you should spend some effort on the following:

• drink water - drink LOTS of water. going through the desert, the temperature can easily top 110F. you will lose massive amounts of water to sweat without ever knowing it. every time you gas up, and every hour, drink as much water as you can put down without barfing. “camelbak”:http://www.camelbak.com/ makes some really keen systems, but you have to order them WAY in advance, as they are hard to find. if you start to feel like you can’t make one more mile, and you are getting bored silly, that means you’re dehydrated. pull over. walk around. drink water. you will be good for a few hundred more miles.

• chapstick with sunblock - bring this. you will be riding into the sun alot. it’s unbelievable how hot the sun is on your lips. this stuff melts in the desert too, so carry it in a little ziplock bag.

• eat light meals - it’s amazing how much energy the body uses just to digest a meal. if you eat a big meal on the road, your eyes will start to cross and you will get sleepy QUICK. small snacks on the road are best (and they save time, too)..

time time is miles. you now live in a world where your currency is miles. when you are not on the bike, you are not making miles. the slower you go, the less miles you make. stop only when you must. keep moving.

• getting gassed up - don’t trust exits that say “Gas/Food/Lodging.” alot of them mean “in the vicinity.” in many cases, you will have to drive into another town to get gas. if you don’t see the gas station on the side of the road, don’t pull over. if you pull over for any reason, fill up your tank. gas is miles, miles are your currency. stock up.

• ride fast - this is really crappy advice, but you should heed it. the faster your ride, the more miles you make. i am not going to mention numbers, but drive at least as fast as the fastest one out there. the trick is, the cops will hopefully nab the car before they nab you. i have found a few methods to do this:

  1. get a travel buddy - this works best on long stretches through the desert. look for a nice car (lexus or audi), but not a blinged out car, as cops pull over blinged out cars. nice cars usually travel fast and have a radar detector. travel with them. keep a safe distance, but don’t lose them. try not to pick a single female, as they may thing you are stalking them. when they finally pull into a rest area, or off the road, wave to them. you were with them for 100 miles or so.. they deserve a thank you. if you see a silver bmw motorbike with a big headed guy tailing you, i have chosen you for my traveling buddy. wave to me.
  2. find a speeder - this works well when traffic is moving on and off the highway alot. find a speeder, and tail him. when he starts to get to slow or starts talking on his phone, grab the next speeder. it is weird, but you will start to think of them as your pen of speeders.
  3. commando style: when you are traveling with hundreds of miles of visibility and not a car in sight, you can open it up, and no one will care. keep in mind that if you take your arms or legs out of the wind pocket of your bike traveling in excess of 100mph, they will get blown back pretty hard. keep hunched in.

• double check your maps - google maps and the like (even the aaa site) are only so good. most of the time, they will take you hundreds of miles out of the way. before you get on the road, double check with a real live guy. someone who rides these routes, a truckdriver, or anyone you know who has travelled to your destinations. keep a current map in your tankbag that you can see at any time. make notes on the map of things to look out for.

safety this is the most important part. you must be safe at all times, even when disobeying laws, you must know the risks and minimize these. ALWAYS keep in mind that you are nothing more than a bird in a tornado. anything out there is bigger than you and can kill you. if you ever forget this, you will probably die.

• other vehicles - stay away from ALL other vehicles. cars are full of people on cell phones, and trucks are just plain turbulent and dangerous. try to pick a spot in traffic that does not get in anyone’s way.

• check your ego - like i said, you are a bird in a tornado. you will not get hurt, you will die. if someone wants your lane, let them have it. if someone wants to pass you, let them. if someone is talking on their phone and blocking you, let them. they are all bigger and more dangerous than you.

• riding - night riding is the worst possible type of riding. avoid it at all costs. anything that you could avoid in the day is pretty much impossible to avoid at night. an old tire, furniture that fell off a truck, all these things are deadly. if you have to ride at night:

  1. stay away from everyone. when you pass, do NOT go back into the slow lane until you are a good 100 yards out. the headlights from bigger cars (and idiots with their brights on) and semis is blinding. stay away.
  2. ride with your brights on - if there is no oncoming or close by traffic, keep your brights on. keep an eye out for deer and anything else that wants to kill you.

• carry a small LED flashlight - put it someone where where you can find it quickly. you will need it to check maps at night (only if you have to), or check your oil if you have a glass sight.

fun there are some fun things to do to keep your mind occupied. some of them are illegal, but hey, everything’s illegal.

• race the trains in the desert, there are trains hundreds of yards long. they travel FAST. see if you can race to the engine. when you make it, wave at the engineer. he will blow the horn. that is the coolest thing ever.

• keep an eye out for old school riders - you will know old time riders by how they ride. they use their signals, they follow rules in this document, and they point out road hazards to you. you will feel their vibe. follow them for as long as you can, and you will become a better rider. seeing a guy who knows how to use the passing lane is a dead giveaway of an old school rider.

• watch the wildlife change - you will see wildlife and terrain change drastically over the miles. if you are in new mexico, look for roadrunners. they are pretty much just like the cartoon.

• wave to drivers as you pass - if you pass a driver and they make eye contact, wave. they are most likely distance traveling too, and it’s nice to know that there are others out there. give the thumbs up to the kids. they will go insane and have something to talk about for the next half hour. they will leave their parents alone during this time.

consideration this is the are where i see the most infractions. it is sad, because these are the easiest things to do, but the most neglected:

• riding in packs - no one understands the camaraderie or riding in a group more than me, but there is one thing to keep in mind. if you are going to ride slower than the flow of traffic, please do not spread yourselves over all lanes. if you are traveling in a two lane highway, use only one lane. spreading across all lanes and riding slow makes us all look bad.

• gassing in packs - when traveling in packs, get gas quickly. pull up to the pump, gas up, and then move out of the way. if you travel with your friends and everyone takes up all the pumps, don’t go into the minimart, make phone calls, walk around scratching your huevos, or talk about the last 100 miles with your buddies. all those people getting mad in the parking lot? those are locals. they need to get to work, school, or wherever. you are in their (and my) way of getting on the road.

• common courtesy - i know alot of folks do not like motorbikes unless they are built by a certain milwaukee company. that’s fine. this, however, does not give these guys the right to flip us off brand riders the bird. if you see someone cranking miles out on highway 40, thousands of miles from home, it doesn’t matter what brand they ride. they are out there, and are probably one of the only ones watching out for you. don’t flip him off.

• keep out of the passing lane - the passing lane is for passing, not for cruising. no matter how fast you ride, someone will pass you. keep out of their way. this is the easiest way to spot a bad driver/rider. move over, pass, move back. it’s simple.

i am sure i forgot something.. i will most likely update this document in the near future.