the village buzz

by Dave Mandl

Listen to local radio for four consecutive hours (come on, you can do it!), randomly changing the station every so often. Start with 500 points, and add or subtract points as indicated for each occurrence of an event listed here. Then check your city’s score against the scale below–the lower the score, the more awful.

Each advertisement subtract 2

Public station: Pseudo-classy “underwriting” ad by prestige-seeking corporation or foundation subtract 10

Any straight-faced claim that station is “the best” (”The Best Music,” “San Diego’s Best Rock,” etc.) subtract 20

Purportedly “non-stop” music that is in fact interrupted subtract 25

The word “relaxing” used in description of station’s format subtract 20

The phrase “Classic Rock” used in any way subtract 20

Contest requiring listeners to embarrass themselves by answering their phones with asinine promotional slogan subtract 25

Station giving out 900 number for requests, polls, or anything subtract 25

Violation of FCC regulations (obscenity, failure to air legal station ID when required, etc.) add 20 (If obviously deliberate add an additional 10)

Live in-studio interview with band or author that is not trying to sell anything (tour, new record, book, etc.) add 30

Interview with really stupid band with nothing to say subtract 25 (If they take calls live on the air subtract an additional 15)

Kids’ show actually produced by kids add 30

Any song you’ve heard played on the radio in the past three days subtract 20

“Stairway to Heaven,” “Bohemian Rhapsody,” “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” or any other ’70s stadium-rock anthem subtract 30

Any song or other recording featuring sounds of people having sex, but only if it includes men add 25

Any song by Nick Drake add 30

Any piece of music from a Touch cassette add 30

Piece of non-Western music played for no reason (i.e., not part of a special or specialty show) add 25

Any Beatles song except “Old Brown Shoe” subtract 25

“Jesus Was Way Cool” by King Missile subtract 50

Any record not easily purchasable add 15

Any piece of music longer than six minutes add 20

Any piece of music longer than 14 minutes subtract 20

Song so bad you have to change the station before it’s over subtract 30 (If intentional add 10 instead)

Song promoting shoplifting or other blatantly illegal act add 35

Heavy metal song that actually frightens you add 20

Cynical attempt to feign affinity with wage-slave listeners (”Thank God it’s Friday,” reference to Wednesday as “Hump Day,” etc.) subtract 40

Bona-fide pirate station received add 45 (If station plays any record you’ve heard on a commercial station in the past three weeks subtract 30 instead)

DJ coughing, sneezing, etc. on mic add 20 (If trying to be arty subtract 25 instead)

DJ reading poetry on the air subtract 20 (If DJ’s own poetry subtract an additional 15)

A half-hour or more of continuous music without bragging about it add 20

Patriotic remark of any kind subtract 30

Anti-Cuba remark subtract 25

Pro-Cuba remark subtract 25

Racist remark or joke subtract 35

Anti-American remark add 35 (If DJ is a Third World Nationalist type subtract 30 instead)

Anti-cop remark add 35

Use of the expression “politically correct” by right-wing talk-show creep subtract 30

Anti-music business remark add 20 (If by someone selling “alternative” product subtract 25 instead)

Any anti-drug remark or advertisement subtract 40

Advertisement read personally by DJ (unless comically flubbed or deliberately sabotaged) subtract 25

Any discussion of the weather subtract 15

Jazz shows only: Excessive time spent reading personnel or session information for a track subtract 4 for each minute over 1 minute

Approving references to Satan or Satanism by anyone 15 or younger add 40

Approving references to Satan or Satanism by anyone older than 17 subtract 25

Self-promotion by DJ of his/her own book, record, or other project subtract 4 for each minute it goes on

Use of the pretentious non-word “musics” subtract 20

DJ referring to what he/she is doing as “radio art” subtract 25

Prank phone call made live on the air, if it’s entertaining add 30 (If to a government or corporate official add an additional 25)

College stations: DJ talking about self for more than two minutes consecutively, unless it’s really funny subtract 20

College show underwritten by local “hip” record store subtract 25

College DJ mispronouncing person or place name during news reading subtract 25

Gratuitous reference to fellow DJs by name, or other “in” station reference subtract 20

Joking or bantering with station colleague who is off mic (i.e., inaudible) subtract 5 for each 5 seconds it goes on

During public station fundraising drive: Excessive repetition of pledge-line number subtract 5 for each mention more than 6 per half-hour

Denunciation of people who listen but don’t pledge as “ripping the station off,” etc. subtract 30

Either of the following offered as membership premiums: coffee mug, tote bag subtract 20

Anything at all that makes you laugh uncontrollably (I’m assuming this isn’t easy to do) add 50

Each Christmas song played during Christmas season subtract 1/2 (”Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” by Bruce Springsteen subtract an additional 15)

Any holiday song played during the wrong season add 25

SCORING: -500 or lower: Even worse than I thought -200 - -499: About average -1 - -199: Not bad at all 0 or higher: Check your math

[Previously published in the book “Radiotext(e)” and “Zingmagazine“]